It’s impossible to not cross paths with a narcissist at least once in life. We have all been there, dealt with them, worked with them, been in relationships with them. It has become relatively frequent to chance upon glimpses of narcissistic behaviour while scrolling through over social media feeds as well. The important question, however, is how to deal with narcissists.
Let’s first understand the concept of Narcissism before scrolling. The Encyclopaedia defines Narcissists as people with “personality disorder usually diagnosed through clinical evaluation. It is defined by the fifth edition (2013) of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).”
The personality traits linked to narcissist behaviour includes seeking attention, constantly trying to get validation from others to boost one’s self-esteem, considering one to be superior or exceptional in all walks of life, lacking a basic sense of empathy and fostering only superficial relationships.
Expert Kirill V. Koles, who is trained in operational psychology at the FSB Academy, and has authored the book The Anatomy of Idiots: A Guide to Navigating the World of Unintelligent Behavior, breaks down a cheat sheet of dealing with narcissists.
In his piece for Your Tango, Koles revealed the sentence that can immediately make narcissists lose control of the mind games and that happens to be: “I see what you’re doing. And it won’t work anymore.”
He highlighted how the impact should be loud but the delivery of the sentence should be anything but loud. “Don’t shout it. Don’t make it dramatic. It’s a quiet thunderclap. Let it hang there, simple, undeniable,” the expert continued.
Explaining why confrontation might not be the best way to work with narcissists, Kirill V. Koles, added, “They don’t fear confrontation. They fear exposure. They fear the version of you that sees, doesn’t react, and simply … walks away. That sentence isn’t just words. It’s a declaration of independence. Signed in blood, sweat, and the dregs of your last drink. The game is over.”
The expert also mentioned that “narcissists don’t fear your rage — they thrive on it.” He elaborated how extreme emotional outlets such as crying and shouting do not trigger them. It is the constant observation and awareness of their actions that doesn’t go down too well with them.
Experts across the clinical psychology industry have shared their versions of how to deal with people who exhibit Narcissistic behavioral patterns. Nicole Herway, a therapist who has worked with survivors of narcissistic abuse, in an interaction with Time magazine, decodes, “Pushing against a narcissist can put you in a dangerous position.” She explained the right approach to go about it and said, “The worst thing you can do is mock or laugh at them.”
Non-committal and short replies might be the appropriate responses, Herway stated. “You want to be bland and boring and have little facial reaction,” added the therapist.
Meanwhile, Kali Murry, a licensed clinical social worker from California, shared another school of thought with the same publication. She explained why apologising might not be the best way to deal with such behavioural patterns. “Apologies require vulnerability and accountability,” which goes against narcissists and their idea of self-image. She explained, “It demands emotional labour they aren’t willing—or able—to give. Instead of fostering repair, it usually leads to more conflict.”
