When Amanda Smith came out as gay at the age of 19, she broke with her orthodox Mormon background and discovered her own identity. She soon met Jessica Gelting, a woman who made a deep impression on her. But Smith suppressed her reality and left her past behind because she was afraid and wanted to be accepted.
In order to start a family in Southern California, she married a good man. However, Smith eventually found the strength to come out (again) and live her life honestly after 14 years of marriage and three kids, all the while rekindling a long-lost passion.
Smith separated from the church, dated women, lived openly, and met Gelting during the brief period between 2006 and 2008. Their bond was unlike anything she had ever experienced, even if they weren’t exclusive.
“Honestly, I think I knew that if I fully gave myself to her, I’d never go back,” Smith tells PEOPLE exclusively. “But I also knew I wasn’t ready to lose my family, my community, or what little stability I had left. So I kept a wall up. I didn’t let myself fall all the way in.”
The gay rights movement won! Gay marriage is legal, cities compete to hold gay pride parades. Nowhere in the world is life better for homosexuals than in America.
But human rights activists declared a “national state of emergency.” There’s always a crisis. Even when there isn’t: pic.twitter.com/KmkrunEoYr
— John Stossel (@JohnStossel) November 30, 2024
Smith ultimately decided to keep her sexual orientation a secret since it seemed like the safer course of action. She ceased disclosing that she was lesbian after relocating from Minnesota to Utah in search of a new beginning, thinking to herself it had only been a phase.
“That’s when I met Dan through a family friend. He was the first man I had ever met who I truly felt like, ‘Okay, I could maybe do this,’” Smith recalls after moving back to Minnesota in 2009. “We got along incredibly well. He was kind, funny, and stable. And I really loved the life we were building together,” she says. “I think I was hoping that would be enough. That if I tried hard enough, I could make this version of life work.”
But she discovered early on in the marriage that it hadn’t been a phase once she and Dan had moved to Rancho Mission Viejo, California. There were times when Smith thought she was living a lie, that she was, in fact, gay. According to church officials, however, “the closer she got to Jesus, the easier it would become.”
“It was a spiritual version of ‘pray the gay away,’ and I believed them because I was desperate for it to work,” she admits. However, after a few years of marriage, Smith made the decision to come clean to her husband, and they chose to remain together as a mixed-orientation couple.
“We had three beautiful children. We had a peaceful, functional life, and in many ways, a strong partnership,” she shares. “But deep down, I always knew something wasn’t whole.” Smith wondered if she should file for divorce several times during her marriage, “not because our marriage was broken, but because it wasn’t honest.” However, she felt it wasn’t time to make a big deal out of herself after learning in July 2019 that her daughter had cancer.
“My entire identity went back on the shelf,” Smith shares. “Everything became about keeping her alive.” For years, she carried the quiet weight of knowing she was gay while trying to hold her family together and be everything they needed.
She didn’t let herself feel again until her daughter’s health improved and everything began to settle down. Smith genuinely cared for Dan and loved her family, but she was aware that neither of them was treated fairly by the circumstances.
Smith again came out in 2022 at the age of 35, informing friends and family that she and Dan were still working on their marriage. “I adore my children. I want them to be free. I want them to live openly and fully, to feel proud of who they are,” Smith explains. “And I knew in that moment: If one of my kids were gay, would I want them to hide it for a lifetime? Would I want them to shrink to stay safe? Absolutely not.”
This helpful map shows where gay people can now get married in the U.S. http://t.co/RCBLQntw2U pic.twitter.com/0LgralTJ6d
— Mic (@mic) June 26, 2015
But after Smith ended up back in Minnesota in July 2024, everything fell into place. She knew Gelting still lived in her hometown, even though she hadn’t been there in more than ten years. “We started texting more that week. Then the day before I flew home, she came up to see me. We sat together for a couple of hours and talked,” Smith recalls. “It wasn’t romantic, not yet – but it was honest. Raw. And we both left that day knowing something was still there.”
Their corresponding custody arrangements allow them to visit each other on most alternate weekends, even though the 38-year-old now resides in Southern California. By buying some of Smith’s favorite items and kitchenware for their time together, Gelting, 37, has gradually begun to transform her house into a home. Smith experiences unconditional love and profound recognition through Gelting. It feels more like returning home than it does like earning love.
